Victoria Beckham is getting candid about her struggles with an eating disorder and trying to control her weight. "I don't know what I saw when I looked in the mirror," Beckham, 51, says in her docuseries Victoria Beckham, available to stream on Netflix Thursday, October 9. "Was I fat? Was I thin? I don't know. You lose all sense of reality. I was just very critical of myself. I didn't like what I saw. It's been a lot and that's hard." Victoria remembers losing "all sense of reality" after the Spice Girls broke up in 2000. The singer, then known as Posh Spice, married soccer star David Beckham in 1999. The couple now share four children: sons Brooklyn, 26, Romeo, 23, and Cruz, 20, and daughter Harper, 14. "I could control [how I was perceived] with clothing," she explains. "I could control my weight. I was controlling it in an incredibly unhealthy way. When you have an eating disorder, you become very good at lying." Victoria Beckham Shares How She Felt After Releasing 'Beckham' Docuseries She notes that she was "never honest with my parents," adding, "I never talked about it publicly. It really affects you when you are being told constantly that you are not good enough. I suppose that has been with me my whole life." That included being told at various points that she was both too skinny and too fat. She recalls being weighed on national TV in 1999, six months after giving birth to Brooklyn. "I've been everything from Porky Posh to Skinny Posh," she shares. "I mean, you know it's been a lot, and that is hard. I had no control over what's been written about me, pictures that were being taken, and I suppose I wanted to control that, you know, control it with the clothing." "People felt it was OK to criticize a woman for her weight," Victoria's husband, David, adds in the doc. "There were a lot of things happening on TV then that won't happen now, that can't happen now." Beckham Family Drama Through the Years: Feuds, Rumored Affair and More As difficult as it may have been to bring back those old memories, Victoria explained why she made the documentary in a story for The Sunday Times earlier this month. "I've been defined by a four-year period in my life. That was the Spice Girls," said in an October 4 interview with the outlet. "It's taken me almost two decades to fight that and I feel that only now can I look back and talk about it. I'm not going to lie, being asked questions about when I was in the Spice Girls was quite triggering. And I'd say those were the most difficult moments. It was almost like therapy for me." She added, "I love the Spice Girls. I really do. And it's been great reflecting on that time. The other night I had dinner with Emma and Geri, and Mel B messaged me at the weekend. I still speak to all of the girls. I'm so proud of everything we did. I wouldn't have been who I am now if it wasn't for the Spice Girls, 100 percent." Victoria Beckham premieres on Netflix Thursday, October 9. If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, visit the National Alliance for Eating Disorders website or call their hotline at +1 (866) 662-1235. Text "ALLIANCE" to 741741 for free, 24/7 support.